Recently , I visited home for a weekend and since it was holiday season , so our oh so loving relatives had decided to come visit us. The only topic I could hear for the whole weekend was “marriage”.
Not mine. Fortunately.
My brother is in his 20’s and so like every typical Indian relative , mine , not being any different, thought it was a good idea to convince my mother to get him married.
“arey ab to iska number hai” , “dhoondhna shuru kardo iske liye” , “tune koi dhoondh rakhi hai to bata, mai baat karungi teri mummy se”
You can relate right?
This was the sole topic everyone turned to when they had nothing interesting to talk about. It worked like an ice breaker in a conversation.
For every Indian adult , marriage seems like the ultimate goal. Since when the kid is in school, they are being told to study hard , not to get good future but to get a good life partner.
In college, degree becomes the key to attract good families for marriage proposals. And as an Indian , you are supposed to get a good job , and earn enough not for your own self, but because high salary package will get you highly educated girl from high-class families.
It was fun to watch my brother squirm at the thought of marriage and all the vivid imaginations others created and often the blush that crept up his cheeks whenever someone mentioned about “chintus and mintus” running around in the house.
This made me wonder how In India , your business is everyone’s business. They want to know everything about everything. And trust me, Indian aunties are no less than Sherlock when it comes to matters like this.Whatever you do , no matter how much you try to keep it under covers, the news will some how reach the ears of your door ki aunty with whom you don’t even know exactly how you are related to.
The sad truth , though, is that we cannot avoid our relatives. It’s nearly impossible because even if you don’t meet them up and visit their place, in some years, you might receive an invitation for one of your cousin’s wedding and then you are doomed again. so instead of running away from them , the easiest thing we can do is deal with these annoying relatives.
So here is a list of the things that Indian relatives do that are annoying and how to deal with it..
- Marriage Obsessed Relatives – if you happen to be in close relation with any relative who is hell-bent on getting you married then my dear, you better run for your life. This breed of relatives have only one goal in their mind – to find the eligible and enjoy the yummy dal makhni on their wedding ASAP. Wherever they go, they use their eyes as scanner and they don’t even have to as much as lift a hand find out your bio data and forward it to other people from same breed to find you a suitable match. They are also called “Living matrimonial sites”. To identify them in a crowd, just look for the one whose head turns at the word “wedding” or “eligible” or “rishta”, if not there are chances they are probably busy setting someone up already.
How to deal with them – the first question these people will ask you will be something along the line “beta, shaadi kab kar rahe ho?” To put these relatives at bay the best thing is to give them a taste of their own medicine. the best reply to this can be “bs aunty, whenever your son/daughter is ready” this is tested and works all the time. Just give it a try,trust me, you wont be disappointed with the results.
- Career counselors – this category of relatives are usually the ones who love to give free advises. You wont have to go anywhere , the advises will come to you that too absolutely FREE of cost and mind you, they wont just advice you about what field you should take up, but they will also give you examples of their own kids, their neighbours kids, the sharma aunty’s kid, sharma aunty’s neighbour’ kid and so on. These people are usually the ones whose kids have already been through the phase of choosing the career so apparently they feel its their duty to guide you to the right path as well. And even if you are clear in your mind and have made up your choices they become the bes critics. The discussion usually starts with a good point but with this kind it always ends with “baaki tum dekhlo, jaisa tumhe theek lage”
After just 5 minutes of the conversation , they become better judge of your skills and interest and give you details about the field starting from the entrance exam of the college to the package you will get after promotion. They give it all.
How to deal with them- these kind usually greets you with “or beta..aage k kya plans hai?” IF you want to keep them from giving you an hour-long lecture about different fields and their advantages and disadvantages , then DON’T, I repeat , DON’T reply with “I don’t know , abi kuch socha nai” or my dear friend you are doomed. Be a little sarcastic and tell them “as of now my only plan is to get away from you” . they will probably never ask you the same question again.
- The Weighing Machine Relatives – these kind are the most common and can be found almost anywhere. These people greet after telling you how fat/skinny you have become. No matter if you are meeting a week later or a year later , they always compliment on your weight. Just by a glimpse at your body they can tell how much of fat have your gained or lost and they feel pretty proud of themselves for this god given natural gift. And lets not forget they usually show off their skills when the room is filled with people.
If , according to them,you have gained fat then you get a lot of contact numbers of nearby gyms, to lose it and if they think you need to put on some weight then you get a lot of home remedies that has worked wonders for their door k cousins and kapoor aunty ki beti.
When you talk to them you feel like you are in a tele brands commercial “wo b pehle aisi thi..then she tried this remedy, and now she has a perfect body people die for”.
How to deal with them – when you meet these people the first thing they probably say is “omg , look at you, you have become so skinny” or “you have put on some weight , what happened?” don’t start telling them your eating schedule if you want to save yourself an embarrassing talk. Just respond with the same enthusiasm and say “OMG I was gonna say the same thing for you” This will definitely shut them up and save you from answering the same question again and again.
- The “how much do you earn” kind– if you have graduated and started with the job, then you will be able to recognize with this breed of relatives. They wait for an opportunity to ask you about your salary. Their sole purpose on this earth is to know the earnings of every one they know and then compare it with others. They make sure they get the exact 5/6/7 digit figure from you. They can even go as deep as discussing about your expenditure starting from your electricity bill to the savings and investments. If you want to know about the package your door ka cousin is getting, then they are the best people to ask.
How to deal with them- if you come across any one asking “or beta, kitna kama lete ho?” know better to avoid such people. if you earn a good amount then you can obviously show off a little but if you are uncomfortable going around telling people your salary then try saying “bs uncle , jitna log katore me daal jaate hai” this is sure to make them stop asking such questions.
- The ‘Do you remember me’ squad– the relatives who fall under this category are usually old and not so close to your family. They meet you years later and just by looking at your face they are able to tell who’s child you are. probably the only time when you get the surety that you are not adopted. These people have probably only seen you once, when you were a year old and 20 years later when they meet you they go all “aww you were so little when I last saw you” on you. to which your natural instinct usually is “as humans we are supposed to grow old”
I am sure you have come across people who asks you “tum *insert your mothers/fathers name* ki beti ho na?” followed by “pehchana?” which is further followed by a detailed description of your relation with them. If time is not a problem they the will further entertain you with the memories of the days your parents shared with them.
How to deal with them- whenever you are attacked by such species asking you “do you remember me?” then the best way is to agree to recognize them and say “oh yes, of course I remember you , you came to my first birthday, didn’t you?” that is sure to shut them up and maybe after that you wouldn’t have to meet them again, ever!
But whatever the case, we all kind of admire our relatives , don’t we? Specially the time when we bid adieu to them after their a week-long stay in our house ,which is completely unannounced by the way, and before getting into the car, they secretly hand in the “kharchi” to us, which we take reluctantly after a lot of “why me??” “talk to mummy” , “no I wont take it”. Some of them are so nice they even tell you not to tell it to our mothers about it which makes it even more special. Even if they are not related to us by blood, they are still a part of our family and what fun it is to enjoy gatherings without them, anyway?