Dear The One Who Left ,
I don’t know how to start this letter knowing that you are never going to read it. This letter is going to stay in my heart just like the words that I wanted to say but instead got buried on my lips. I still go to their grave everyday in the hope that someday I will be able to see them alive, breathing on my lips, ready to be spoken in front of you.
But that’s just my heart finding hope in something, finding a reason to keep me alive. After all hope is what sustains life, right?
There are times when I find myself looking at your picture and wondering how enchanted I was when I first saw you. Your smile was like the birth of those twinkling stars I saw in your brown hazel eyes. Your dusky hair was playing with the wind in the shadows of the twilight sky.
You were standing with your friends laughing at something when the first sound of your laughter reached my ears and that’s when all my favorite records , proudly displayed in my room lost their sense. I never knew what my favorite song was until I heard you laugh.
Gradually, you let me into your world. You let me see the sides of you , others did not even know existed.
In you I found a humorous girl with jokes that were funny enough to make the demons inside of me crack a smile.
In you I found a caring soul who took care of me even in the sunshine after a rainy day.
In you I found wings which always pushed me higher up in the sky.
In you a found a rock which always pulled me back on earth when I reached the heights , high enough to cut me off from the world.
In you I found my best friend, who understood me more than I did myself.
In you, I found me.
You accepted me with all my insecurities, with all my crookedness, you accepted all the good and evil in me. You were the kind of girl people write about in their books. You were the kind of girl that no guy , in his senses , would ever want to give up. You were my prayers, you were the song I sang everyday, you were the wish I asked for from a wishing star.
You had big dreams and you wanted to reach the stars. You promised me that you will take me along on that journey and I promised to not leave you alone on the way. You always complained about how I broke my promises, how I always promised to take you to the movie but never got the time; how I promised to get you your favorite ice cream but forgot all about it by night. And how I always promised not to forget your birthday but the dates and months messed up with my mind everytime.
But this time I kept mine. This time it was you who broke your promise and never apologized.We started with the journey together but you left me alone on the way. We never reached the destination together as it was planned. You left me. All alone.
You didn’t even give me a chance to say the things I had been thinking over and over for a very long time, waiting for the right moment. I had been imagining myself saying all those words to you, imagining you looking into my eyes listening intently, suppressing your smile at my choice of words and tucking your hair behind your ear whenever you got nervous. But I guess waiting for the right moment was a mistake. A big mistake.
Now its just the grave of those words dug right next to yours.
The words I never said, the words that could have changed our lives forever. The words that I would prefer to say to you , holding your hands than to your grave with a flower and your picture in my hand.I had painted a picture of my future with you in it. But now I think that painting is just a dream that no matter how much I try cannot be achieved.
It has been 8 months now and the “could have been’s” and “should have been’s” still haunt me in my dreams making me regret waiting for the perfect moment to say the perfect things to the perfect girl in my life.
Even now, at some nights , I find myself awake at 2 in the morning , going through all the memories that we had.
The times when we fought over who would get to choose the movie to watch on Friday nights. The times when I accidentally cooked salt- less food for you but you never complained. The times when even on a date you never let me pay for you and always split the bill. The nights when you shared your random 1 am thoughts with me .The times when you cracked a joke that only you understood making you laugh so hard that your ears would turn red.
The times when we clicked silly pictures together.The times when I tickled you so hard that tears started to stream down your face begging me to stop.The time when you nicknamed me “panda” because of the dark circles that had shown up under my eyes.
I walk down the memory lane of all our pillow fights in the middle of the night, all the tight hugs you gave me out of the blue, all those nicknames we had for each other , all those piggy back rides , all those bets we had over petty things and the treats the loser had to give , which was , most of the time you. All those stories you read that you loved and shared with me. All the poems you wrote for me. Everything is still as fresh as the scent you used to wear.
Each and every second spent with you was like magic. The more I saw, the more I wanted to know.
I wish that in the moment of realization I would have grabbed you by your shoulders and looking straight into your eyes said the words that my heart still whispers every time I say your name. I wish I wouldn’t have worried about the consequences and made that moment perfect instead of waiting for one.
I wish I could tell you that I always looked at you as a little more than best friends. I wish I could tell you that
I LOVE YOU
But I cant.
The One Who Got Late